Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Pouring my heart out- Dealing With the Loss of my Mother

Hi Folks,

I have not been on here in so long!

To tell you the truth, I fell out of love with blogging.
I am not the worlds greatest writer or photographer, I feel into the trap of not treating it as a hobby and feeling like I had to have a set schedule to get the readers and just really felt a lot of pressure, so I stopped.

That might change so keep an eye out!

I don't really know why I am doing it today other than that I've gone through a massive life event recently and I wanted to purge my thoughts so strap yourself in because it's a long one!!

If you follow me on twitter or snapchat or whatever, you will know that I lost my Mum two months ago.
It was and wasn't a shock, she had end stage COPD, nearly died last year, heart problems, diabetes and had been failing for a long time but somehow I had managed to fool myself, on some level, in to thinking that she was invincible.
Don't get me wrong, I knew that she wasn't right, I knew that she hadn't been right for a long time but getting the call to say that she might have hours left still shook me to the core.
I got the first available flight home and she died when I was in the air, I found out stood on my own in an airport- not the best of places but where is the best place to find out your Mum died?
I went straight to the hospital from the airport and when I saw her laying there, I cried but it still didn't fully sink in.

Over the years me and mammy had an up and down relationship. Mammy had her issues, I had my issues but one thing remained the same- we both loved each other and we both knew that.

When she died I cried, of course I did but I didn't have much time to dwell on it. I had the whole Irish Catholic wake and funeral Circus to deal with.
For the 3 days before the funeral we had people in the house from 11am to midnight, all needing fed and watered and talked to. Thank God for my Siblings and my Cousins or I would probably have flipped and killed someone (bit dramatic but you get the picture).

There is a certain expectation on a mourning family, in fact one particular family member basically told me off for crying as 'I was doing so well' and one stopped me from having some down time with my nieces and nephew because 'people wanted to talk to me'.
All I wanted to do was scream and tell them all to f**k off but being a reasonably polite and sane person I sucked it up and got on with it.
It was sort of good, it helped me take my mind off the Mammy wasn't going to come back and that my life would inevitably change forever.

On the Sunday, the funeral happened and the next day I came back to leeds and had to go straight in to moving house. I was numb, I had managed to rationalise things in my head and after a week off work I attempted to go back.

I was in one day and I couldn't deal with people so I took another week off. I busied myself and told myself I needed to be ok so the following week I went back to work and, for the most part, I was ok.
I was telling people about all the funny things that happened and was able to talk like it was someone else's story that I observed, that it wasn't me in the middle of it all.

It's now that it seems to all be hitting me. Over the past few days I've been feeling really crappy. I have cried more than normal (and I cry a fair bit anyway), I'm losing interest in things and just have had this feeling of being lost and a wee bit hopeless.
I know it's normal but I keep telling myself that I should be OK by now. I guess I'm hoping getting it out on this post will be cathartic and help me deal with it all.

My friends tell me that Mammy is looking down on me, or that's she is up there with various loved ones we have lost, but I really can't bring myself to think like that at the minute, I'm not sure what I believe in anymore.

I know this has been a bit of a depressing post but I just needed to get it out and hopefully, if someone else is going through the same thing then they'll read this and know that they aren't alone.  I'm so lucky to have my boyfriend, great friends and family to get me through this but not everyone is that lucky.
I don't want sympathy and am certainly not doing this post for attention.

I hope my next post will be a bit more upbeat and maybe I'll tell you the funny stories that got my mind through the dark times and we'll all have a good old chuckle.

In the meantime, if this has struck a chord with you then let me know in the comments, on snapchat 'lauraq88' or on twitter '@lauraq88' remember that you aren't alone.

Sleep tight Mammy, love you! xx